It’s 5:00 a.m. and I am restless. Maybe if I write some of these thoughts and feelings down they will stop clouding my brain.
My emotions are so mixed and scattered following my engagement. Unfortunately, nothing is clear cut after loss.
I’m sad for the life I lost.
I’m excited for this new life & love.
I’m terrified I could lose it again.
I’m anxious about how people will react.
I feel guilt about moving on.
I worry my decisions could cause others pain.
I fear moments of future happiness will always contain a hint of sadness.
I’m angry because I’ve been robbed of feeling one-sided emotions.
I’m happy to have found Nick and to have him in my life.
I am hopeful for our future.
In such a short period, I have experienced so many giant ups and downs. Grief is truly a rollercoaster of emotion. And again, my body and brain are figuring out how to cope.
The truth is–I am only 31 years old and I have experienced a significant, traumatic, unexpected, unthinkable loss. I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know how to handle all of this.