More change. Gracie and I moved (with the help of my awesome family!) into our own house this past weekend. This is the fourth place we have lived in a year and a half and I am beginning to crave some sort of consistency. I am ready to feel settled; to feel at home again.
As I anticipated packing up my life and moving yet again, I could not help but feel anger and resentment towards Shawn.
Anger is a topic I have not yet discussed and, frankly, it is one I would like to avoid. I hate that I feel this way. I hate even more that it is directed at someone I love so dearly. However, when I started writing about my journey as a survivor of suicide loss, I promised myself I would be as honest as possible.
My life has not been easy. I have felt more pain and heartache this past year, than I have felt in my entire life. Waking up is a struggle. Living is a challenge. The only consistency I’ve had, is that I am consistently making changes. And my greatest fear: That my life will always be that much more difficult because Shawn ended his.
I know anger is common in grief. Yet, in all other deaths I have experienced my anger has not been directed at the person who died themselves. Suicide loss is different that way, as it seems there was choice in death. I have to constantly remind myself that Shawn’s decision to end his life was not made with a rational, healthy mind. The brain is an organ just like any other and it failed to function properly. It failed to keep Shawn alive. If Shawn died of heart failure, would I blame him for my pain? Would I blame him for the challenges I have faced? Probably not.
Unfortunately, this understanding does not mitigate my feelings of anger and resentment in moments of stress and emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion. It does not lessen the immense feelings of guilt that come following my anger.
It does, however, help me to continue on.
Life does not stop on the days that drop me to my knees. Life does not stop on the days I feel paralyzed in loss and grief. Life does not stop. All I can do is keep trudging along. Little by little. I move forward.