Moving Forward After Suicide Loss & the Dreaded Topic of Anger

More change. Gracie and I moved (with the help of my awesome family!) into our own house this past weekend. This is the fourth place we have lived in a year and a half and I am beginning to crave some sort of consistency. I am ready to feel settled; to feel at home again.

As I anticipated packing up my life and moving yet again, I could not help but feel anger and resentment towards Shawn.

Anger is a topic I have not yet discussed and, frankly, it is one I would like to avoid. I hate that I feel this way. I hate even more that it is directed at someone I love so dearly. However, when I started writing about my journey as a survivor of suicide loss, I promised myself I would be as honest as possible.

My life has not been easy. I have felt more pain and heartache this past year, than I have felt in my entire life. Waking up is a struggle. Living is a challenge. The only consistency I’ve had, is that I am consistently making changes. And my greatest fear: That my life will always be that much more difficult because Shawn ended his.

I know anger is common in grief. Yet, in all other deaths I have experienced my anger has not been directed at the person who died themselves. Suicide loss is different that way, as it seems there was choice in death. I have to constantly remind myself that Shawn’s decision to end his life was not made with a rational, healthy mind. The brain is an organ just like any other and it failed to function properly. It failed to keep Shawn alive. If Shawn died of heart failure, would I blame him for my pain? Would I blame him for the challenges I have faced? Probably not.

Unfortunately, this understanding does not mitigate my feelings of anger and resentment in moments of stress and emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion. It does not lessen the immense feelings of guilt that come following my anger.

It does, however, help me to continue on.

Life does not stop on the days that drop me to my knees. Life does not stop on the days I feel paralyzed in loss and grief. Life does not stop. All I can do is keep trudging along. Little by little. I move forward.

9 thoughts on “Moving Forward After Suicide Loss & the Dreaded Topic of Anger

  1. Ruth Schultz says:

    Thank you so very much for being honest Lindsay! There are too many secret keepers in our world and your honesty helps us all to grow. I learn from you every time you write. I’m sorry for your pain and I’m asking the angels to step in and provide comfort. It’s ok to be angry!

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    • mysavinggracie says:

      Thanks so much for these words, Ruth! I debated whether or not to post this actually. It’s funny though that you mention angels because just this morning I said there must be some angels watching over me. As tough as this year has been, I have been very lucky in that many aspects of my life have fallen into place with very little effort. Love you!

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  2. Cindy says:

    Thank you for sharing your story in such an honest way. I wish you all the best as you make this move and transition. It looks like it will be a wonderful place for both you and Gracie. ❤

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  3. Diane says:

    Lindsay – I am impressed at your wisdom as you face this life challenge that you find yourself in. Anger was the emotion that I struggled with the most. I could hate cancer, but that did not satisfy the pain. Unfortunately when I finally released my anger that I had hid and pushed away for years I took it out on someone who had only been nice to me. As you know, the immense guilt on top of the profound sadness was overwhelming.
    I just want you to know that you are an inspiration to me. Keep trudging along and know you are not alone.
    Love, Aunt Diane

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  4. livelifelightlysite says:

    I love my first love to suicide 15 years ago. I was too young, as was he. The anger has stayed. Of course I’ve “dealt with it”. I’ve “let it go” even. But some days, I’m mad all over. You’re anger changes to other versions of anger. Other versions of hurt. I don’t envy the path your journey has moved you onto. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m deeply impressed at how you are handling things. Grief doesn’t go away. You don’t get over it and forget. It changes. It evolves. And you move through it. Step by step. Keep talking your way thru it. Don’t bottle that in.

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      • mysavinggracie says:

        Sorry it has taken me awhile to respond. I am in my last full week of work before I begin part-time work this summer. I feel as if I am still just surviving certain days. I am very ready for a little break!

        Thank you so much for commenting though. I rarely get to talk with someone who also lost a partner to suicide at a younger age. I am so sorry to hear about your loss too. It is encouraging to me to see that you have moved forward–even though I’m sure it was an extremely difficult journey. If you have any advice or things that have helped you–please feel free to share. I’m just making up this life as I go along….maybe that’s what everyone does!? Thank you again!

        Liked by 1 person

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