I have a love-hate relationship with social media. I love that it allows us to remain connected to those we love. I hate that it gives us a false sense of reality. All smiles, happy memories, and over filtered pictures. I am no different. I have barely posted anything since Shawn passed away. What I have posted, were just fragments of my reality. The happy, smiley, I’m moving forward in my life pictures.
But guess what? Life is far from perfect. It’s extremely messy and challenging at times. So today I thought I’d provide a glimpse into my reality. The life I do not reveal on Facebook, Snapchat, or Instagram.
I decided to look through a box of memories late last night. I could not stop crying. I took two sleeping pills and eventually fell asleep with Gracie at my side. I slept off and on until about 7:00 am. I woke up with very little energy and decided today maybe I will not leave the couch. I work for school districts and am off during the summer. This has been such a blessing this year.
I showered around 2:00 pm to make myself feel somewhat better and during my shower heard a song that reminded me of Shawn. I got out of the shower and cried on my bedroom floor wrapped in my towel. I laid there and wondered if other people think grief feels so much like a part of you is dying.
I then got dressed and made it back to the couch. I now sit here with a giant bag of popcorn (thanks Costco and mom) telling my Netflix, “Yes, I am still watching. Leave me alone. I’m tired and I’m grieving. I will be watching you all day. Please stop asking me.” I may have to have dinner delivered tonight.
Far from glamorous, but this is what grieving looks like. This is my unfiltered reality.