July

Well, it’s July. The month I was supposed to be marrying my best friend. I remember reading a book on the stages of grief in graduate school for my counseling class. Then thinking after Shawn passed away, that my grief would progress in a similar manner. I was wrong. Grief is not linear; it does not follow rules.  The feelings and emotions experienced may be universal, but there are no direct patterns. At least in my experience.

Often times this month already, I find myself back at square one. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t stop these tears from flowing down my face.

I have experienced many events in the last several weeks that I would love to share, but I’m just too tired.

Too tired to think.

Too tired to write.

Too tired to talk.

Too tired to sleep normally. How is that even possible?

Just know that I am okay. I am getting through each and every day.

I may not be thriving at the moment, but I am surviving.

6 thoughts on “July

  1. Ruth says:

    Dearest Lindsay….I’ve been thinking of you often this month. Whenever I look at the calendar and see what was to be your and Shawn’s special day (written long ago when I wrote all the special days of this year into my new calendar) I think of you. I’ve wondered how I could be there for you this month and I can’t seem to think of anything that could ease the pain you must feel. I’m remembering this children’s book I used to read my kids and as the children in the story reached each challenge the mantra was….”We can’t go over it, We can’t go under it, We have to go through it!” I guess that is the same here. We, and especially you, have to go through it… one day, one hour and sometimes one minute at a time.

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  2. mysavinggracie says:

    Thanks, Ruth. I do just have to get through it, as hard as it is some days. You have helped already so much with your continuous thoughts and prayers, gifts, and cards filled with sweet messages. Thank you so much! Love you.

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  3. Diane says:

    Lindsay – I am sitting outside on my picnic table thinking I should keep my thoughts to myself, when a butterfly landed next to me, so I’m guessing Uncle Butch would like me to try to help you. I wish I had the power to make things go back the way it used to be as I imagine that is all you want. You will get through this unimaginable pain you now feel because you will wake up every day, tell yourself how strong you are learning to be. You will find strength you didn’t know you had, but it is exhausting and difficult. I found some peace when I finally realized I’ll never get over it. I have to learn to live with it. The special days are difficult, but, as you know, so are the ordinary days when you want to share the simple things with him. I’ve also realized that grief doesn’t go according to the stages the experts talk about. It is two steps forward, one step back, over and over. My heart breaks for you that you have to feel this pain – I know you’ll find the courage and strength you need when you need it – and know you have many family and friends that are here anytime you need us!! Love, Diane

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    • mysavinggracie says:

      Please don’t ever feel like you should keep your thoughts to yourself! I gain the most from other people, so thank you so much for your words. I am glad uncle Butch gave you the push to do so. I am definitely finding strength in myself that I never knew existed. I have had other people share, too, that you never do get over it. You just learn to live with it–and eventually the heaviness lessens a bit. Just not now. I am very blessed though to have family members like you in my life. I don’t know how people get through without that support. Thank you!

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