Just Dance

I have thousands of favorite moments with Shawn. Because I can no longer create new memories with him, I often fear I will forget the ones we did share. I fear that I will forget the sound of his voice, how he laughed, his goofy dance moves, the way he hugged and kissed me, and how it felt to be safe and at home in his arms. I know I am writing about my journey as a survivor of suicide, but by no means do I want Shawn or his life to be defined by his death. He was so much more than that. Shawn was handsome, intelligent, funny, loving, thoughtful, and maybe a little stubborn. My friends at work would probably also add a bit of an instigator. Shawn had the best smile and most beautiful blue eyes. He was my love. My everything.

The primary reason I do choose to share my journey is because I think it is imperative to create an open dialogue about suicide and mental health. Another reason I think writing is so important to me is because it allows me to share and forever preserve some of the moments Shawn and I did have.

A memory that stood out to me today occurred this past December during my winter break. Shawn and I decided to have a game night as we did on many occasions. We took turns choosing a game to play. My first choice-Just Dance. I am a master at Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off.” To get a visual, watch it on YouTube. Shawn always made fun of my awesome moves, but pretty sure he changed the whole dance into one motion I can only describe as a very manly shimmy shake. We did a couple more dances and then started talking about our song choice for our first dance. His: “Crush” by Dave Matthews Band. Mine: “Better Together” by Jack Johnson. We turned on “Crush” and there in the middle of our living room shared our first dance.

After that, Shawn chose for us to play many games of cribbage and then I chose to play Catch Phrase. At the end of that night, I vividly remember Shawn saying, “Thanks for a good night.” It stands out in my mind because even then I thought it was a bit strange to say, but we were always fairly good at expressing our gratitude towards each other. After all, it was a good night. One of the best nights and now one of many favorite memories.

Sometimes a little bit of happiness comes from dancing like a weirdo in the middle of your living room. If you are lucky enough to share these kind of moments with someone you love, consider yourself exceptionally blessed. I know I do. Today, I thought I’d share my current favorite, feel good song so you, too, can dance like a weirdo. If you can’t dance right now, for whatever reason, maybe just watching Justin Timberlake will make you feel better too.






3 thoughts on “Just Dance

  1. Abby says:

    This brought tears to my eyes. I’m so glad you and Shawn were able to have your first dance together. I love hearing all the happy memories you were able to have together! Thanks for sharing these special moments with us ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Allan & Jane Lorge says:

    Thanks so much for sharing….watched the video and had a good laugh and rush of memories of Jane trying to teach me how to polka in the kitchen–disaster given my two left feet and no rhythm….your comment about “weird dancing” also really touched us as very often when we are getting Julie’s kids ready for bed we do the Mickey Mouse Club “hot dog dance” with them and they think its so funny seeing Papa and Grandma dancing weird!

    These and other memories of Shawn will always be with you and part of who you are until the day you meet again…..we are firm believers that while someone has physically left us, we can still talk to them, ask for guidance and continue to share our memories with them…..I talk to Mom, Dad (still after more than 30 years) and Butch on a regular basis and at times smile, laugh, and cry, always thankful for the memories.

    Please know lots of people are thinking of and praying for you and while times now are still very challenging, rest assured that your memories of Shawn will for ever warm your heart.


    • mysavinggracie says:

      Thank you so much. I really needed that reminder tonight. Also, I need to see your hotdog dance soon. That is one of Jase’s favorites too. Dancing like a weirdo definitely brings some smiles. 😊


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