I have spent 89 days without my best friend. I have cried every single one of those 89 days. Sometimes I cry in the shower, sometimes I cry on the way to work, sometimes I cry at lunch, sometimes I cry on the way home, and sometimes I cry as I fall asleep. While the length and time varies each day, one constant remains: I always cry–and that’s okay. I have read a lot about how to cope with loss and one thing I’ve found is that in order to heal you need to allow yourself to feel–so feeling is what I do each and every day.
One day I actually spent over an hour online looking at skin care products. I have bags and lines under and around my eyes that even make-up cannot hide. It really seems like a minuscule thing to worry about in the midst of what I’m dealing with, but I am only human. That is when I started thinking about all the moms on social media who embrace their stretch marks after childbirth because it signifies their strength. My eyes, so very worn looking from all my tears shed, also tell a story of strength. Life is so hard-harder than I ever imagined it could be. Yet, I still get up every day and get through it the best way I can. I am a strong, bad-ass human being surviving the unimaginable. I’m broke, but I’m not broken.
Sorry, Mom, for swearing in my post today. I’m actually not much of a swearer, but this was just about word choice. 😉 And as I write about this, it also brings up a memory I have of Shawn from this past November. Shawn had taken a week of vacation and was feeling so happy and carefree that he decided he wanted to use the F-word in every sentence. I joined in and we just laughed and smiled at everything we said. Probably very weird sounding to an outsider looking in, but these memories, that are so uniquely ours, are the ones I will forever cherish.