I remember the night before Shawn’s memorial service just crying and saying, “I’m not ready.” In which Shawn’s sister-in-law replied, “You will never be ready.” She was so very right. I’m not sure anyone can prepare themselves for the loss of a loved one-especially when it is so unexpected. I’m not ready to say good-bye to my first and only love and I’m not ready to live this life without Shawn.
This weekend brings another moment of, I’m not ready. Moving out of our place. I’m not ready to say good-bye to the place we lived in together. I’m not ready to pack up our shared items or part with any of Shawn’s belongings. I’m not ready to begin a new job. I’m not ready to live in a new area I’m unfamiliar with. I’m just not ready for any of this– and I probably never will be.
Maybe that is what grieving is. A whole bunch of I’m not ready’s and finding the strength to get through them anyway. In these moments, I am so incredibly grateful for my family and friends that have offered help, support, and love along the way. I would not be able to get through this without all of them. So if you are one of those individuals– THANK YOU for helping me through all of the I’m not ready’s I have faced and all of those I will continue to face. Love you.